March 20, 2005

insect-driven insomnia

It's 6:39am EST and I haven't gone to sleep yet. I'm exhausted and have bags under my eyes the size of those really good satchels with lots of compartments in it for your cell phone and keys and junk. I'm tired but I can't sleep. Actually, I CAN sleep but I don't want to close my eyes because I've seen two bugs in my apartment in as many days and I'm SO completely skeeved right now that I've convinced myself that one is going to crawl in my mouth while I'm asleep. No, hear me out... the two that I saw were rather nervy and belligerent and VERY good climbers. They were fast and efficient and really determined to reach higher elevations. I was able to murder the both of them before they set any new personal bests but still, their presence has given me pause. Clearly they did not properly read my earlier memo. They have only themselves to blame.

The first bug reared its head on Friday evening. I grabbed one of my boots with the honkin' heels and snuck up on it while it was checking out my book collection. My first swing wasn't accurate and thus sent both me and the bug running frantically in different directions. We engaged in a wee round of hide and seek but he was on his back sucking in bug spray before long. I reveled in the victory momentarily and then did a thorough sweep of the apartment for any of the fallen's comrades.

There were none to be found...until a few hours ago.

I was sitting at my desk and noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I looked over and to my horror, there was a big ass bug CRAWLING ON MY COUCH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm not even kidding when I say I want to throw the couch away and get a new one. That is just foul. I haven't been able to sit on it since. At the very least, I'm going to go get some upholstery shampoo tomorrow and give the couch and my throw pillows a good scrubbing. Two of the throw pillows are already in the trash since they were used as missiles during my attack. They were ineffective but their close proximity to that dirty mofo means they are no longer welcome accents on my cute wee Pier One loveseat.

After the attempt on its life with throw pillows, the little fucker scurried under the couch. Luckily, I had the Raid nearby so I sealed off his exits by spraying a white foamy Raid line all around the perimeter. But I wasn't content to just trust that fumes would finish the job so I pulled the couch away from the wall ready for Round Two. Every now and then, I do sprout a pair and surprise myself with my courage and aggressive tactics.

I saw the bug on his back, flailing and gasping for air. Geneva Convention Schmeneva Convention. I took no pity and smothered it in several more inches of Raid until its twitching finally stopped. And then I sprayed it a few more times just in case.

But, unfortunately, this is where MY twitching began. I don't trust that the invasion is over and I'm quite concerned that I'll be eating bugs for breakfast. Maybe I'll pick up some mosquito netting while I'm out getting upholstery cleaner...