May 26, 2005

microchips here and there

So there's this new annoying chick who sits outside my office and she's on the phone constantly ironing out the niggly details of her life. Girlfriend's forever squabbling with her bank, credit card companies, landlord, etc. She bargain hunts and does some price comparisons over the phone, thanks people for their time and then frantically dials the next victim and goes through the same spiel all over again. She checks with her local bookstore frequently to see if the latest issue of some poetry magazine is in yet. Rest assured, by the sounds of things last night she was able to pick up a copy on her way home. I'm assuming this because she placed the phone down in the cradle with an ebullient, "Sweet!" This is a far cry from her rather violent hang-up last week upon which she bellowed, "Crooks!" Who the fuck says crooks nowadays? I mean, really.

All within earshot know her personal affairs... and we all hate her for it. She's new here and really has no business being so brash. Either simmer down, sweetie, or go into a conference room and the leave the rest of us to toil away in peace. Otherwise, the cold scowls and snarky IMs amongst your neighbors will continue. And I know you've noticed, toots.

A coworker and I have been skewering her daily. Once she lifts up the phone, we have an IM window at the ready to provide real-time commentary. On one of her recent calls, we threatened to copy down her credit card and social security numbers and make a mint off that information. Anyone need an identity?!?

I don't remember the origin of the comparison but we've also decided that she's a robot. Again, not sure what sparked it but we've been running with it ever since. I've even taken to calling her Vicki... even though her real name is Karen.

small wonderMy mentioning the lead character in Small Wonder proved to be a welcome distraction from the real-life 'bot on a magazine hunt in our office. The coworker and I then partook in a rather lengthy -- and totally serious -- discussion about this dopey sitcom.

Now I'm not a philosophical person at all but certain topics do cause me to navel-gaze a wee bit. Like, didn't anyone notice that Vicki wore the same red-and-white dress EVERY day? And, hello, the girl didn't have a room of her own! Instead, she slept -- standing up! -- in a cabinet in her brother's room!! You mean to tell me nobody thought that was a bit inappropriate, not to mention cruel? And what about that voice? No one feared that her robotic monotone was maybe indicative of a larger developmental problem or something? Oh, come on now.

I found the apathy and ignorance particularly tough to digest considering the neighbor was played by Edie McClurg who really has built a cottage industry around playing busy-bodies, nosy hens and school administration officials ("They all think he's a righteous dude!") Edie and her ugly daughter did some sniffing around but it was half-assed at best. I call bullshit.

I realize how ridiculous I sound. But still, engaging in an earnest and in-depth discussion of a crappy, long-cancelled TV show is definitely preferable to listening to that ass munch outside my office searching high and low for a competitive APR.

May 20, 2005

my second worst nightmare

The US Air Guitar Championships are in town this weekend. I'll be staying far away from B.B. King's (the venue) as I'm not a fan of this "art form" you see. Well, I kinda stay far away from B.B. King's anyway but that's beside the point.

You know, in terms of gruesome fates, having to watch people earnestly play air guitar for hours on end is second only to being strapped down and force fed mayonnaise by a tag team comprised of Al Roker and The Hoff sporting his tightest salami squisher.

That's some cruel and unusual shit. In fact, this event needs to be put on Amnesty International's watch list, if you ask moi. Somebody make it stop.

May 19, 2005


I walked past a brownstone under construction on my way to work this morning. Massive early-morning renovations in Brooklyn Heights are not unusual. What did strike me as odd was the choice of music blaring out of the radio of the rather gruff-looking band of construction workers performing said renovation -- "Listen to Your Heart" by Roxette.

I guess nothing gets a hammer swinging faster than some lowbrow pop cheese. Hmmm... the next time I need some work done around my tiny wee studio, I'll be sure to crank up the T'pau to help light a fire under my super's ass.

May 18, 2005

my other talent

The Lovely Jess and Her Roommate held a White Trash Potluck in honor of last night's premiere of that craptastic Britney/Kevin joint otherwise known as Chaotic. Speaking of ill-advised Spederline collaborations, Jess is still still hosting the Name the Spederfetus contest. Check it out, y'all.

Last night's din din included mac n' cheese, pork chops marinated in ketchup and Coke, pigs in the blanket, fish sticks and Dorito Salad. I came equipped with a 40 (in truth, it was two 22s but close enough) and a dessert certain to cause diabetes or at the very least, several dozen cavities. Behold the Twinkie Sunflower Cake!

it's all sugary, y'all

:: 8 Twinkies (10 actually come in a box but The Roommate and I both scarfed one before dessert was served so I had to "pluck" some petals, if you will)

:: 1 Ring Ding

:: Yoo-Hoo Chocolate Syrup

:: Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chips

:: Hubba Bubba Sour Apple Bubble Tape Gum (this is where I strayed from the recipe and freestyled a bit. Nice touch, no?)
Feel free to add it to your personal recipe files, y'all!

May 16, 2005

sex smells

My cousin forwarded me the Tibetan Personality Test the other day. Now, I normally delete such forwards because I've seen most of them a thousand times over. I've done the whole ordering of cows, pigs and sheep several times already and if I'm to believe the results, I focus on money first and foremost in my life. Pardon moi but that's a load o' crap... Oh no wait... that's actually true. I hereby retract my sanctimony and will reuse it a later date.

Anyhoo, this test contained a question I hadn't seen before so I decided to give it a whirl. Here's the question that stood out:

Write one word that describes each one of the following:

My answers:
Dog = friendly
Cat = sneaky
Rat = filthy
Sea = calm
Coffee = smell

Now here's the answer key:

Your description of dog implies your own personality.
My answer was "friendly" so SCORE for me! Anyone who disagrees can blow me.

Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner.
I don't have a partner. Jesus, is it any wonder since, according to this test, I'm totally paranoid and have trust issues?!?!

Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies.
I don't have enemies. I mean, there are people I dislike but that doesn't stem from poor hygiene and grooming habits necessarily. Well, most of the time it doesn't. Bad fashion sense is most definitely a dealbreaker though.

Your description of the sea implies your own life.
I said calm. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good one.

Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex.
Oh Jesus Christ. I said smell. I... don't... I'm speechless. Perhaps this is also why I don't have a partner since I associate the sex with the stank. But then again, if I were to follow the logic of this test, I should equate my partner with a cat. And since I also equate cats with that awful litter box smell... well, there you have it. It makes total sense now.

Note to self: Bring a clothespin and some Vicks Vap-o-Rub on my next hot date.

May 15, 2005

the best laid plans

I had every intention of posting a weekend recap tonight. I knew I'd have stories to tell because the Adorable 5-Year-Old Niece spent the past two days with me. I was going to spin a yarn or two about our adventures in Central Park, my attempts to accommodate that bundle of energy in my tiny wee studio as well as my take on The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (last night's activity) and a few other details, but I'm exhausted. I was bouncing back from last week's awful cold but I think I'm heading for a relapse. I'm not feeling well at all.

However, I can't blame my stuffed-up state totally on my cold because I just spent the past two hours sobbing -- and I do mean sobbing -- while watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. That show can usually soften my hardened heart long enough to make a tear or two trickle down my cheek but this particular episode... well, there was BAWLING!!!!!

In tonight's installment, a young woman died of leukemia and left behind a husband and three little boys. That formula always gets me choked up when watching made-for-TV movies and very-special episodes of sitcoms but this was the real deal and oh my God, I'm wiped out after watching it. There was a heartening outpouring of generosity by the community and the new house is gorgeous but I just feel so sad for the family. While all of that stuff helps, none of it can replace their tremendous loss.

Dude, I'm like inconsolable right now. Like I said, I usually well up while watching this show but tonight's was particularly hard on me. Perhaps it's the various decongestants and antihystamines coursing through me causing me to be all out of sorts. Or maybe I just needed a good cry.

Or maybe it's because I already miss my niece. Even though she spilled shit all over my tiny wee studio and wore my ass out, the place feels empty without her. I must schedule a follow-up sleepover soon.

But I can always console myself with the knowledge that my boyfriend, one Tino Martinez, clobbered the ball yet again! Today he slapped two big ones and has now tied A-Rod for the major-league lead with 12 homers. Swooooooooon!

There, I feel better already.

May 12, 2005

whuppin' ass

Wanna kick Beyonce's ass? Give Paris Hilton the beatdown she so richly deserves? You can work those two over and more at Celebrity girlFight. I'm undefeated so far. Lindsay Lohan was rather scrappy (I expected nothing less) but, surprisingly, J.Lo went down like a ton of bricks. I expected a good street fight with her. Turns out she's a total wuss.


May 09, 2005

cashing in my sick days

Good evening, ladies and germs. Speaking of germs, I ain't feeling so hot. I'm not sure if it's allergies or a straight-up cold but I do know that I feel like crap on a stick. I'm taking a wee blog break but rest assured, I'll be back when I'm feeling a little less funky. I'm a bit green around the gills, you see...

But please feel free to roam about the cabin in the meantime. I've got lots o' good links on my Blogroll (right hand column... scroll down... a little more. There you go.) Or you might want to whittle away the time perusing ye olde archives (also on your right but with less scrolling).

Or you can always keep yourself occupied with my FAQ. Truthfully, it's a bit of a misnomer since none of youse guys ever frequently asked any of those questions. I mean, not even one time. But whatevs! I got a bit creative and made up a bunch on my own. Do feel free to send me a legitimate query. Keep in mind that I'm of British stock and reserve the right to tell you to sod off and get stuffed if your question is too cheeky.