August 25, 2006

are you there god? it's me, curly


To: Mother Nature

CC: God (The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit), Allah, Buddha, Shiva, George Burns

From: Curly McDimple

Date: 08.25.2006

Re: Optional Menstruation

As a female who is opting not to have children through vaginal birth or caesarian section, I would like to formally lodge a complaint against the presence of my menstrual cycle. It is a frivolous and needless monthly exercise and I urge you to reconsider its inclusion in my anatomy. Oh, and cellulite too as it's not doing me any favors either.

As I explained to "my friend" in an earlier bit of correspondence, I do think that under the right circumstances, menses is a noble process in that it paves the way for babies to reside in the uterus. However, I do not believe it should be a "factory-installed" feature.

Consider this: If I were buying a stove, I can opt not to purchase a model with the self-cleaning mechanism. If the likes of Best Buy can offer me freedom of choice, certainly you can too, Mother Nature.

As it stands, your current policy makes the assumption that all women want to reproduce. Now, I don't mean to lecture you, Mother Nature, but you know what happens when you assume, don't you? In this particular case, it creates a legion of cramped, bloated and irritable (childless) females hell-bent on making you pay for their misery, in addition to the whole making asses out of you and me business.

While males historically have been responsible for destroying some of your more well-received handiwork, i.e. the fouling of pristine Alaskan coastline in the Exxon-Valdez oil spill, I dare say the man behind this tragic error was drinking on the job in part to eradicate the pain from the blow to the head he received the night before from his rolling pin-toting, PMS-stricken spouse. That's just conjecture on my part but still, I think it's worthy of your consideration.

While I have the floor, here are some other bodily systems/functions I think you should consider making optional and/or on-demand:
:: Body hair
:: Ear wax
:: Phlegm
:: Flatulence
:: Diarrhea
Since humans spend millions in pharmacies each year on products to control/reduce/rid ourselves of these often-embarrassing extras, perhaps you should consider this a unanimous rejection of them. I, for one, do not rely on armpit hair for an additional layer of protection against the cold so why bother regrowing it after I shave it off for the umpteenth time? Save yourself the trouble (and me the expense of Gillette Venus Divine blades. They're pricey!)

I realize this request is a tall order but I propose speeding up the process of natural selection as a work-around until the Menstrual On/Off Switch™ is developed, tested and introduced into the species. Another interim possibility is a massive uterus donation drive. I'll gladly sign mine over to a barren woman. Seriously, take my healthy ovaries, please.

Thank you for your time.