August 14, 2004

things i've pondered in front of the tv this morning while drinking my chock full o' nuts

:: I have a serious problem with the resident parenting expert on NY1. At the first sign of a Shelley Goldberg segment, I clench my fists, grit my teeth and feel my blood pressure rise. This woman's unbridled enthusiasm for finger puppets and acoustic sing-alongs may very well put me in the hospital with hypertension or an aneurysm. I react with more alarm to her than I do the news about the faltering economy or Al Qaeda's latest threat. Those of you in the viewing area know what I'm talking about. The rest of you... just pray that they don't syndicate her.

:: Boiling Points on MTV might very well be my new favorite non-HBO* show. I thought Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was going to wear that crown but I've decided that harassing people is far more entertaining than charitable home improvement. I'm amazed at the patience threshold on some of these people. I'd be disqualified in less than 30 seconds... and later arrested for aggravated assault. *Favorite HBO show is Da Ali G Show. That maniacal cackling you sometimes hear is just little ol' me reacting to Borat. This show is so worth the asthma attack I inevitably have.

:: Is it just me or does the movie Tommy really suck? The Who = kick-ass. The album = brilliant. Broadway show several years back = stunning. The movie = crap. I love Ann-Margret but she terrifies me in this film. The flailing around in the baked beans and then humping that long pillow? Not attractive, Ann. Ew. I need to go watch an Elvis movie to restore her luster.

:: Cable television gets A LOT of mileage out of the 1993 film Hocus Pocus. What sort of backroom deal was made stipulating that this movie must replace The Beastmaster, Kindergarten Cop and Twins as standard weekend filler? Just curious how this is determined. If it involves Bette Midler and a hummer, don't tell me.

:: Anthony Sullivan has me thoroughly convinced that I need the One Sweep broom. After I tackle the problem of dirt and hair trapped in the carpet fibers, I need to set my sights on ridding my studio of "positively-charged allergens" with the help of The Sharper Image's Ionic Breeze Quadra.

:: And lastly, is it really necessary for weather people to give live reports while standing outside in a hurricane? What purpose does this serve exactly? I really don't need to see a drenched reporter wearing a yellow slicker clinging to a tree for dear life to understand the impact of a hurricane. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most of us watching already know what heavy winds and rain look like. Seriously, weather people of the world, you can stand in front of a radar map in the safety of a studio and tell us about the massive storm. No one will think you're a pussy. I promise.