Dear The Lovely Jess,
Congrats on turning the Big 3-0 today and welcome to the club, dearest! I assure you it's not as bad as you might think. I'm totally digging my thirties big time, yo. Sure there's the slowed down metabolism to contend with but it's couched by the whole sexual peak thing. Of course, the pokey metabolism can lead to the pudge which can repel would-be sexual partners and then you're left to enjoy your renewed sexual vigor all on your lonesome but still... "interfering" with yourself is way more rewarding at this age. Can I get an amen, fellow third decaders?
Anyhoo, I just want to wish you the happiest of birthdays. May the coming year be filled with less cat pee on the futon and the end to Rachael Ray's tyranny plus lots o' cute boys, salacious Britney gossip and many more opportunities to entertain us with The Butt Dance.
All of my love,