April 01, 2005

extermination alternatives

So just a short while ago I was drinking a Rolling Rock here at home while packing my bags so that I can head out to Jersey early tomorrow morning for The Adorable Four-Year-Old Niece's birthday party. That mammajamma starts at the ungodly hour of noon. This means I need to roller skate AND take pictures of little kids long before the hour of the day when I start becoming productive -- roughly 4:00PM EST. What was my sister thinking?!?!

Anyhoo, I waltzed into the bathroom to collect my toiletries only to find a big ass water bug camped out on my shower curtain.

The outside of the shower curtain.

Mere inches from me.

Now, I'm not much of a screamer. My voice is more on the husky side so I'm physically incapable of letting out a high-pitched girly squeal. So at the sight of that wee fucker, I emitted my usual throaty "WOOOH-AHH" gross-out noise and then several very guttural gasps (yay, asthma!).

In that moment, I was lacking my trusty can of Raid and clad only in my stocking feet so I was rather helpless. I was also rudderless with no immediate game plan. All I could do was gasp and panic, gasp and panic. I did not dare leave the bathroom to get my battle gear for fear that the water bug would disappear and resurface again later in the evening to terrorize me further.

So I relied on my no-longer-very-nimble mind and hatched the best plan I could under the circumstances... I threw beer at the bug. Not the entire bottle, mind you, but I did give it a good dousing. Please note that I don't normally cart my beer into the can with me but the bottle was in my hand while I was packing (still, someone has a wee problem, methinks). I wouldn't normally waste good suds on such things but this brand was affordably priced and, again, I was caught off guard. So I channeled my inner MacGyver and improvised a rather ferocious torrent of the Latrobe Brewing Company's finest in the direction of that manky bug.

Perhaps the bug is a Pioneer or, conversely, a total beer snob because he didn't hang around to lap it up. Instead, he scurried down the curtain and jumped onto the floor and hid behind the garbage can. So I kicked the can a few times in between gasps and WOOO-AHH noises.

The bug then tried to take cover under my fuzzy bath mat. But! I was somehow able to pin him to the ground with the bottom of the Rolling Rock bottle and extend my freakishly long arm behind the toilet to grab the first cleaning product I could reach. My thinking at the time was this: Rolling Rock would have more of a time-release effect so I need something a bit more fast acting.

In case you're wondering, Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner with Bleach is an effective way to simultaneously stun and smother vermin. Pass it on.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need a fresh beer and have some mopping up to do...