September 26, 2004

see with your eyes, not with your hands

As you can see by the oh-so-very lifelike rendering in the sidebar to your right, I've got lots of curls sprouting from this melon o' mine. I'm not going to lie to you... I dig my hair. It's thick, naturally curly and has some crazy reddish highlights running through it courtesy of the sun. Some people pay good money to achieve this look. I got it free of charge thanks to puberty. Yes, that's right -- I've got pubies growing out of my head.

Throughout childhood, I had thin VERY blond hair. The tips curled up a little bit but mostly, my hair was straight and super smooth. And then I turned 13. Between Mother Nature and a bad layered mullet (don't judge me), my hair thickened up and kinked out. It took me several years to grow it out but once it was the desired length, I went to a new stylist and she gave me a very reasonable Molly-Ringwald-in-Pretty-in-Pink facsimile. Thanks to the buzz clippers the stylist used, my hair was super short in the back creating a stubbly-yet-smooth feel. The girls on my softball team liked to rub my head for luck. Yeah, that's always nice -- a bunch of dirty hands attached to bitchy girls running through my temperamental coif.

They weren't the only ones who felt the need to reach out and touch my 'do. To this day, MANY people -- most of them strangers -- touch my hair. My mane gets fingered and stroked more than a really slutty girl. It's flattering that some people like my hair but I still find the whole touch-first-and-ask-for-permission-later business to be very rude. I worked at a movie theater in college and I actually had a customer lean over the counter and grab my hair while I was fetching her popcorn and soda. That's not only presumptuous but very unhygienic. After the woman molested my hair, she called her friend over for a gang bang, if you will.
"Denise, look at huh hai-uh! Touch it. It's gaw-jus, ain't it?" Her friend manhandled my curls and chimed in, "Honey, is dis natural? Yaw lucky. I get perms 'n body waves awl the toyme but they nevuh look like dis. Just gaw-jus."
Last night I stopped by the Cubbyhole. My friend and I were deep in conversation when all of a sudden I felt fingers running through my hair. At first I thought it was a member of my party so I didn't flinch but then a craggy-looking older woman was in my face saying, "Great hair!" I guess I looked shocked and annoyed because she said, "Sorry, I couldn't resist." Granted, if she was cute, I wouldn't have cared but she looked like a spotter in a weight room. Me no likey.

I think I'm going to circulate a petition among pregnant women and people with curly hair, noticeable piercings, chubby cheeks and other obvious traits and protrusions. I think we should demand special dispensation to beat down anyone who touches us without asking. Hell, I'll even put aside my disgust of stretched ear lobes and welcome those people into the fold as well. Normally that shit freaks me out to no end but I'll suck it up for the cause. Now who's with me?