January 14, 2005

the queerest of the queer

Last week Joe.My.God asked me to contribute to a piece he was writing about over-the-top gayness. In essence, Joe beckoned a bunch of us homos to share examples of our most outlandish and/or stereotypical gay behavior.

It sounded easy enough at first but it turned out to be a rather tough assignment for me. Yes, I'm a big ol' rug muncher but as I've stated before, I'm like the worst lesbian ever (stereotypically speaking, of course). I make a very good stereotypical gay man though! Among other things, I possess a propensity for speaking with my hands (complete with fingers dramatically bent and splayed, of course) and an unwavering adoration of Broadway showtunes as well as the divas who belt them out, natch. In fact, I just got inspired. Please hold while I go fetch my Sondheim Etc: Bernadette Peters Live at Carnegie Hall CD and cue up "Being Alive."

Okay, so as I was saying... I'm a half-assed lesbo. Examples? Well, for one, I kinda don't like yoga. I've tried, but I just don't. And if I'm illin', I have no qualms about taking Tylenol Cold & Flu as opposed to some holistic remedy composed of garlic and ginger or some other manky-tasting potion involving leaves and bark. I know that makes me an anomaly among muff divers, but so be it. Furthermore, I don't like soy milk, free-form poetry or the music of Melissa Ferrick. See what I mean?

Sure, I earn my stripes with the whole vegetarian thing, superior (if I do say so myself) softball skills and the hesitation to wear skirts but in most other categories, I fall miserably short. No matter, I did manage to cobble something together and send it off to Joe (who keeps an amazing blog, FYI. I adore him to no end. Read him!!) But oy, my Sapphic tale positively PALES in comparison to the exploits of my fabulous gay boy co-contributors! But ain't that always the way?

Anyhoo, please check out "Gay, Gayer, Gayest." Be sure to empty your bladder first as I damn near tinkled while reading it. And thanks so much for including me, Joe!