June 19, 2005


Once again, I'm busy launching a website so I ain't got time to keep this here blog current. The next week will be rather hairy but I'll do my best to regularly entertain and assail you with my tasteless humor and observations. I make no guarantees though.

Before I depart, I will share with you the transcripts of a message accidentally left on my answering machine. I don't know what it is about my land line but I'm constantly getting wrong numbers and weird messages. I cannot believe how many people ignore my personal greeting and proceed to leave lengthy tomes for people who are decidedly NOT ME. Sometimes the messages are in Spanish. Sometimes I'm treated to someone else's medical history when the receptionist from a certain doctor's office leaves very detailed messages about test results and billing issues... that are NOT mine. Privacy schmivacy!

Another time I got a message that was positively filthy dirty. The man wanted to forcefully stick something of his somewhere in my vagina's vicinity or something to that effect. At first I gasped but then I considered calling him back.

Yesterday's message was rather unique. From what I can gather, a convict phoned a friend and the friend used his three-way-calling to dial the con's mother but they accidentally got a hold of my answering machine instead. Most of it was hard to decipher but here's what I could make out:
The Con: Yo, what's that the answering machine?

3-Way Caller: I think so.

The Con: Call my mother, right, tell her if she gonna do that to four people or whatevah, and tell somebody's gonna drop that. I ain't got no more calls after this. You know what I'm sayin'?

3-Way: A'ight. A'ight. I'm gonna get your Mom on the cell phone.

The Con: A'ight. Tell her I said if she's still going to do that to get in touch with me and do that. You a'ight though?

3-Way: Yeah, I'm breathing. I'm breathing.

The Con: Ha ha.

3-Way: ::garbled garbled garbled::

The Con: I've been trying forever but that shit is fucked up. ::garbled garbled garbled:: I'm going to find Chi Chi and go back--

::sound of microphone feedback::

3-Way: Mmm... hmm... hmmm
Then I heard the distinct sound of urination. I think 3-Way dropped the call with The Con to go hit the head. From the sounds of the Sling Blade-like grunting, 3-Way was having himself a rather satisfying pee.

And then, sadly, my machine cut off and that fascinating glimpse into someone else's personal business and bladder function was over. Sigh... I have so many unanswered questions though! Did 3-Way make good on his promise to call The Con's mother? Is The Con going to get an unlimited calling plan? Is Chi Chi a person or is The Con referring to the restaurant chain? Why didn't 3-Way say a proper goodbye to The Con before taking a vocal and vicious whiz? Questions, questions, questions!

Oh man, I SO hope they call back.