December 13, 2004

from the home office in provincetown, massachusetts

In the past week or two I've gotten several responses to my online dating profile. Admittedly, it hasn't exactly been a bumper crop so I haven't replied to any of them. Here are some reasons why certain emails and profiles have since been banished from my in-box:

10) Headline: Strong, silent type looking for her lady
Not silent enough if you ask moi. I equally resent those women who fancy themselves "tall, dark and handsome." Uh yeah, while you're out getting a grip, please be sure to pick up some updated phrasing.

9) Headlines using any sort of play on the word "cat"
Seriously, girls, every possible double entendre involving the words "pussy" or "kitty" has already been done AD FUCKING NAUSEUM. In fact, you may want to accompany Strong, Silent Type and Tall, Dark and Handsome on their new terminology shopping spree. I bet they'll even offer to drive.

8) A combination of the words "Sappho" and "lover" in the user's member name
Excuse me but I just dry-heaved.

7) Use of the word "womyn" in the same user's profile
See above.

6) Use of the term "greasy chicken" in yet another headline
Exactly what, pray tell, is appealing about oily poultry? Allow me to rid you of the notion that there's some titillating similarity to 9-1/2 Weeks. I already checked and there isn't one.

5) Favorite on-screen sex scene: Better Than Chocolate
Now that's original. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this person's runners-up are: Gia, Bound, Personal Best, Desert Hearts, The Hunger and If These Walls Could Talk 2. Just a hunch.

4) Non-descript short hair with dangly old-lady earrings
I'm willing to bet good money that this woman wears long, bouncy skeleton earrings on Halloween and Christmas balls this time of year. Overly festive accessorizing sickens me.

3) Age: 22
I'm a shallow asshole in many respects but I do have some limits.

2) "Gender politics" listed as a hobby
As an interest, it's fine. As a hobby, not so much.

And the number one reason for banishment from my in-box...

1) Red Sox fan
Need I say more?