November 01, 2004

is that your hip out of place or are you just happy to see me?

As frequent readers of this here blog know, my dating life of late has sucked some serious ass. If I wasn't so tired at the moment, I'd try to make some witty quip suggesting that the ass sucking was a viable substitute for actual ass (and other body part) sucking but the fatigue is preventing me from getting it together. You have the pieces so consider it a do-it-yourself-er. It's tres Ikea, no? Mmm... Ikea.

But back to my sad love life. So I went on a date last week with yet another new chick. She came recommended by an ex I'm still friendly with so I thought the outlook was good. Yeah, not so much. I arrived fashionably late and left freakishly early. I think the whole fiasco lasted about 1 hour and 10 minutes. Tops. I think that's a record for me. We just did not hit it off. But no bigs, I didn't hinge my happiness on the outcome. If it worked out, gravy. If not, onward.

I mostly embrace my fierce independence but every now and then (usually in time with the monthly hormonal fluctuations), the need for companionship and all that jazz starts creeping in. I fell off the wagon today and did some online shopping on PlanetOut and Nerve but found nothing worth mentioning. I just checked another upstart dating site where I keep a profile and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that a message was waiting for me. Until I opened it.

Mark this down, ladies and germs, November 1, 2004 was the day a senior citizen with balls like brass (and horrid spelling) made contact with yours truly. I've had some creepy old gray hairs give me the wink and the nod before but never via the Internet. At the risk of pissing off some AARP types, I can't help but be surprised when someone over 60 not only owns a computer but is competent enough to use it beyond playing solitaire and making clip art-heavy greeting cards. Who knew they could tap into the potential to possibly get some? Plaudits, old people. Plaudits. Um, except when it's my ass in the crosshairs. Ew.

Seriously though, I just turned 31. What ON EARTH would I talk about with a 69-year-old? "Did they say this round was a regular BINGO or full-board?" She's older than my mother for fuck's sake. I'm beyond grossed out.

I will be out and about tomorrow night watching the election returns amongst fellow lesbos and, of course, The Lovely Jess. If this latest development with online dating doesn't snap me out of my public shyness, I don't know what will. Cheesecake, let's commence with the wine drinking early and often. The rest of you... wish me luck.