The past few days I've been craving cereal like a crack fiend. I don't eat meat so when I'm running low on protein and iron, my body is usually pretty conscientious about issuing a craving to satisfy my nutritional needs. I've been known to blurt out "I need cheese" at random times. Most people understand because well, mmm...cheese. I guess I'm low on riboflavin and massive amounts of sugar because my body issued a cereal edict today. So I stopped at Key Food on my way home from work and perused the aisle certain that something would jump out at me right away. And then I saw it... Peanut Butter Toast Crunch. I loves me some peanut butter especially in a bite-sized crunchy format. I rationalized that it would be a better purchase than the Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch standby because the latter can be a tad rough on the roof of one's mouth. I think I drooled in the aisle anticipating what this new concoction would taste like. I had to resist the urge to rip open the box while waiting to pay for it. Naturally I was stuck behind a woman quibbling with the cashier about whether the ground turkey was on sale or not. Despite my mounting hysteria, I managed to squelch the "Haul ass, bitch!" that was desperately fighting to come out. I then had to battle the need to bust open the box and eat it while walking home. This was a severe jones I was riding out.
I blew off dinner completely and sat my ass in front of the TV with a Yuengling and started tearing at the cardboard. I'm not a big fan of milk so any cereal I eat is straight up, right out of the box. I don't always drink beer with my cereal but this was a special occasion. It was a first date of sorts. I was in such a frenzy that I don't think I even tasted the first few handfuls. When I snapped out of my altered state, I had peanut butter dust all over my black clothes as well as caked on my face. What's even more pathetic is that the cereal wasn't even good. It took me half the box before I realized that it, in fact, sucked. I've never experienced morning-after-a-one-night-stand regret but I think I understand what it feels like now. I'm so sorry I strayed, Cap'n. I remain forever your bitch.