October 05, 2005

the new-age cheese diet

the teshSeveral months ago, I launched a little something called The Tesh Experiment. For those of you too lazy or disinterested to follow the link, the exercise involves my pseudo chagrin over the lack of activity on the Tesh Cam.

You see, there was a time when the Tesh Cam provided insight into John and his crappy music-making. And now, sadly, it only shows John's less-than-bustling mailroom. Despite a fictional impassioned email authored by Yours Truly, the camera angle has not been moved. It still shows that fucking roll of tape! It's been that way for months and shows no signs of budging so I'm officially giving up. You beat me this time, Tesh.

However, I found a new source of amusement on that website -- the Message Board! Oh, but it's a fascinating and informative area to explore! For example, did you know that The Tesh has his own radio show? Did you further know that like his fellow God Squad member, Pat Robertson, The Tesh is now doling out diet tips and health advice on said radio show? Oh yes, it's true. Behold!*
Subject: Diet tips air on the radio

John, I listened to your radio often. One night, I heard you list a few things that we can do to loose weight. Would you please email this list to me again? It starts with drinking coffee in the morning and eating sour dough bread for lunch.

Put down the weights, ladies and gentlemen! Step off the treadmills and elliptical machines for The Tesh himself says a mere cup o' joe and a slice o' sour dough will trim you down. Hmmm... I wonder if that's how Connie manages to stay so slim?
Subject: "eat less of your entree"???

Ok, you've got some good ideas and thoughts that i really enjoy. BUT....you said that you should order a soup or salad as an appetizer so that you would eat less of your entree. Why should you eat less of an entree that you paid for? In my opinion, that's just a waste of money, and more importantly, food.
How dare The Tesh promote portion control! If Applebee's wants to give you an entire side of beef on a bun, you best eat that shit up. Stick it to the Man! And don't forget your coupons from the Sunday circular!
Subject: John Tesh Radio

Dear John
I just wanted to say that I really do enjoy your show. My son loves it when you bring up things that will improve our lives ie. chewing gum to increase oxygen to the body, eating dinner together as a family.

Feeling sluggish and run down? Why, just pop a stick of Juicy Fruit into your gob and you'll be all oxygenated and refreshed. Oh and that whole eating dinner together with the family idea is positively revolutionary. His originality astounds me. What on earth would we DO without The Tesh?
Subject: You have an awesome show!

Dear John,
I listen to your show every chance I get. If I can't listen, I go to the computer and go to your web site and look at the transcript. Totally amazing all the tidbits of intelligience that you come up with.

I do have one question....I have been troubled by kidney stones. Have had two surgeries in less than a year with another coming up. One urologist told me that they are caused by dehydration and another tells me its calcium that causes them....but because I am menopausal, I can't stay away from calcium. Is there anything in your research that can help me out with information on how to avoid the kidney stones. My stones grow so big that they block the ureter. Any dietary advice? Thank you for reading this post. Sincerely, Dolores

Subject: airlines and hospitals

Dear John...I was on my way to work when you said you would talk about not flying if you have been in the hospital. My daughter works in a hospital and is leaving on an airplane on Wednesday. Anything I need to worry about? Thank you so very much for all the great ideas and information.
Why call your doctor with important health questions when you can just ask The Tesh?! I'm sure his years of cohosting Entertainment Tonight have adequately prepared him to tackle such topics. And if he's not sure, I'm sure he can just call up Jesus to get a second opinion. He's got His direct line, you know.
Subject: Less stress food shopping

I'm a meat wrapper and I see some really nice people come in the supermarmarket when it's open 8:00A.M. looking for (fresh)chopped meat.

Mr.Tesh most butchers only start at 8:00 Their shopping experience would be a lot less strssful if they would give them at least a hour. tell them to read the (entire0 sales letter.When turkeys are on sale,see if the sign reads,Fresh or Frozen.

At Thanksgiving people get crazy when they think they're going to get a (fresh)trukey only to be told the sale is for a frozen one. I hope this will help all of us, workers and shoppers alike. Thank you
I'm not even going to make fun of the meat wrapper because dude's got a cleaver and access to machinery that could make my ass disappear. Even worse, he could pass me off as ground chuck and well, that's just humiliating. While I don't eat meat, I do fancy myself a more expensive cut... should my body ever become available in this format. So I'm going to make nice with the meat wrapper and put forth his message that one should not piss off the supermarket butcher by quibbling over frozen versus fresh turkeys at 8am. Capiche?

* Please note that there is a global [sic] for all typos and misspellings in the quoted messages. For typos and misspellings in my own copy, uh... just deal until I discover and fix them myself.