call the police, there's a madman around...

Jess: I really wanted a buttered roll for breakfast today but Cafe Metro was all out

Yours Truly: I hate when I have my heart set on food and when I go to get it, there's none left. It makes me want to riot and torch shit

Jess: HA!

YT: That visual is killing me

Jess: Me too

YT: In your visual, did I overturn any tables? 'Cause I did in my visual. I'm also doing a lot of roaring and primal screaming

Jess: No. You were running through the streets setting fire to open storefronts

YT: With a flame thrower? Or Molotov cocktails?

Jess: With a medieval torch

YT: Awesome

the tesh experiment

One day Jess and I got to talking about John Tesh and how we're both simultaneously intrigued and horrified by his fame. During our conversation, memories of the Tesh Cam came flooding back and I excitedly informed Jess of this virtual playground. A former coworker had tipped me off to it several years ago and many a day was spent in her office staring at The Tesh as he composed love songs to God and his beloved Connie Selleca. You know, for years I watched Entertainment Tonight completely oblivious to the fact that he was a holy roller.

But that's neither here nor there. So, I scrounged around Google and found us the Tesh Cam. Jess and I were hoping to see that freakishly-tall towhead tickling the ivories in real time. We were SO ready to be all snarky and judgmental. However, much to our dismay, the camera was fixed on an empty mailroom. Where was The Tesh? How come we couldn't see him writing his patented brand of bland instrumental cheese?

We checked back several times that week and the same disappointing visual awaited. While annoyed, there was a shared concern about the disturbing lack of activity in his mailroom's in-box. Where was the love from his rabid fan base? I didn't admit it outright but I felt kinda bad for The Tesh.

So for the next couple of weeks Jess and I took turns checking in and reporting on the disheartening lack of camera movement. And then we grew bored and found something else to obsess over. The Tesh was soon forgotten.

Fast forward several months later to me looking for a site I had bookmarked. During my search, the words "John Tesh Website - Tesh Cam" leapt out of my Favorites menu just screaming to be clicked. So I obliged... and saw that fucking mailroom again. What the hell?!? What kind of user experience is this?

No longer content to just sit and stew over the static camera placement, I took action this time! Okay, so I assumed a new identity and used a disposable Gmail account created just special for the occassion but it was action nonetheless. Behold!

The Tesh Experiment (Day 1)

--------------------

From: onthewingsoflove@gmail.com
To: jtesh@teshmedia.com
Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 15:23:23 -0500
Subject: Tesh Cam

DEAR MR. TESH,

FIRST OF ALL, I HAVE TO START BY SAYING THAT I'M A BIG FAN. YOU'RE MUSIC IS AMONG THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MUSIC I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. YOU HAVE SUCH A GIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SECONDLY, I WISH ONLY THE BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL WIFE, CONNIE. ALTHOUGH, I DO HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I'M JEALOUS. SHE'S A VERY LUCK WOMAN! LOL!!! :-)

I DO HAVE ONE ITTY BITTY COMPLAINT THOUGH. I'M GO TO YOUR SITE LIKE EVERY DAY AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT TESH CAM (MY FAVORITE PART OF YOUR WEBPAGE BY THE WAY), IT'S ALWAYS SHOWING THE MAIL ROOM!! IF I WANTED TO LOOK AT BUBBLE WRAP AND TAPE GUNS, I WOULD JUST TURN MY HEAD (I'M A SHIPPING/RECEIVING CLERK IN A MAIL ROOM). I WANT TO SEE YOU COMPOSING YOUR BEAUTIFUL MUSIC BECAUSE IT INSPIRES ME. I ONCE LISTENED TO YOUR A DEEPER FAITH II CD IN THE CAR ON MY WAY TO MY BOWLING LEAGUE AND I GOT 3 STRIKES AND A SPARE IN THE FIRST FRAME!! I HOPE YOU UPDATE THIS SOON! AND PLEASE, KEEP MAKING YOUR WONDERFUL MUSIC! GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU.

YOUR FRIEND,
HARRIET MCNAMARA @<----

--------------------

The Tesh Experiment (Day 22)

Findings:
Still no response from subject

Theories:
Subject is either much busier or much smarter than anticipated

Optional Next Steps:
1. If still no response by Day 30, send follow-up email expressing disappointment in the lack of acknowledgement. Subsequent mailings will reflect the following states (in this order): agitation; depression; despondency; resignation; and finally, violent rage.

2. Send collage via postal mail. Materials needed: poster board; X-acto knife, spray adhesive; glitter; sequins; mini pom-poms; puffy paint; Bedazzler or similar ornamental beading device.

Updates will be posted as/if they become available.

Further Reading: The New-Age Cheese Diet
The Tesh Experiment: An Update

a couple of quick niece-isms

I spent the weekend in Jersey with the McDimples attending a going-away soiree for a family friend as well as a "Soup Bowl" party, as The Adorable 4-Year-Old Niece called it. That was just one of the many doozies she uttered this weekend:
:: One of her favorite books is No, David!. In the story, David is a wee punk constantly being reprimanded by his mother and father. Since the niece is prone to defiant, stubborn behavior herself, she found herself a kindred spirit in David. While reading the book together, I questioned, "Do you do all the bad things David does?" "Only one of them," the niece replied. "Which one?" I asked. The niece then sheepishly mimicked sticking her finger up her nose and said, "But I'm stopping."

Now, I've heard the "But I'm trying to quit" excuse applied to smoking plenty of times but nose-picking is most definitely a first. Regardless, I support her quest to kick the disgusting habit.

:: When I'm home, I'm expected to go to church. As I've said here before, I don't get anything out of it but I don't fight my mother on this issue. I just go and shut up about it. On Sunday morning, the niece was in charge of waking me up. She poked me a few times and said, "Are you going to mask?"

:: During a road trip to the cousin's house, the niece occupied her time in the car by singing to herself. Before long, the whole McDimple clan was singing along with her: "Ann Marie and ivory..." I'll never sing the correct words again. Um, not that I find myself singing that particular song all that much but you know what I mean.

:: The niece wears a yellow Livestrong bracelet in honor of a family friend who succumbed to cancer last year. When someone asked her about the meaning of her bracelet she explained, "Sick people and cool people wear them." "Well, which one are you?" "Cool," she lazily replied.

I should have plenty more of these in a couple of weeks because she's coming to my tiny wee studio for a sleepover. When I told her I planned to take her to a Broadway show, the Central Park Zoo and several other attractions, she became visibly excited. I asked what she was looking forward to most and without hesitation she exclaimed, "Popcorn!" Looks like I'm going to be scaling down my plans a bit...